I just got done watching Dragon Wars.

Watching.  I watched it.  Previously engaged in attempting to understand what I was visually seeing.

… that’s the problem …

I got through that whole fucking movie and STILL have no clue A) What was going on, and B) Why it was going on, and 3) the reason for the Dragons in the first place.

I can only surmise that at some point, had I known more then just the English Language, there was an explanation in Korean or Dragonese or some other such language.  Here’s the problem:

I only speak English.

…And lets be fair… I don’t even do that too well…

In any case, at some point in the movie, this dragon had to eat this chick (I think) in order to ascend to be this other type of more powerful dragon.  So basically you need to take the movie “The Fugitive” and remove the dashing US Marshall and replace him with a 300 ft snake that can’t be killed and doesn’t tire.  With that, you need to remove any form of sentience, and make the Fugitive a hot chick that apparently gives off some sort of Dragon Pheromone that can be tracked for hundreds of miles.  Remove all the good lines, add a splash of “reluctant black guy”, and make sure you have debris flying everywhere, all the time, even for no reason, randomly.

Normally this would be enough to send you running for the hills, right?  But wait, there’s more!

It’s not enough that there’s a “good snake” and a “bad snake”, no no no… NOW there’s a bad snake army.  The army consists of raptor style dragons that are ridden by these black cloaked people who look like the Kings from Lord of the Rings, then foot soldiers who look like that, some flying dragons that will seem familiar to anybody who isn’t into this crap, and, of course, no Dragon Army is complete without fat, walking, dragons with missile launchers strapped to their back.

Yes, you read that last line correctly.  Fat walking dragons with missile launchers.

One would surmise there MUST be a reason for these fat, missile toating, dragons of legend… then it hit me when they were facing off against our modern day tanks.  I guess at some time 500 years ago when the dragon thing FIRST happened, somebody had the forsight that “Hey, if we build em with Missile Launchers now, we can save on the retrofit expenses in 500 years.”  So there’s a battle scene with tanks and Helos and foot soldiers… battling dragons… and loosing.
Did I mention that?  The 500 year thing?  About 3/4 of the way into the movie they explain to you that every 500 years some good dragon is allowed to “ascend”, so of course there’s a bad dragon trying to get in the way.

Before you know it you’re reliving a scene from Temple of Doom and/or King Kong with a blonde, white chick, screaming on a sacrificial alter to the bad dragon.  And our young dashing news reporter star crossed lover hobo is tied up of course… with some sort of special amulet he didn’t have the rest of the fucking movie.  Like the bad dragon army found it and was like “Look here!  A secret special amulet, this would look killer on this dude’s chest during the sacrifice!” and drunkenly gave this motherfucker the means to kill them all.  Which he mysteriously does by channeling a bolt of lightning that strikes this amulet that, once again, he didn’t have the rest of the fucking movie.

The movie ends in a rather unspectacular battle scene between a good dragon and a bad one.  Of course, the good guy wins.

Then it gets MORE confusing… cause some guy does the ObiWan Kanobi thing and fades away while smiling…

Then they roll the credits and you’re sitting there wondering “Wait… what about the *insert whole plotline to the movie here*???”

Notable characters were the ObiWan Kanobi guy who seems to be able to shapeshift and is omnipotent/present apparently, and his dark half of the guy who has a sword that forms from flame from this hilt he carries around.  He’s much like Darth Vader, seemingly limitless power, huge army, black getup, sounds like he’s talking through a voice box.

Know what the movie needed?  An Ewok song.