http://www.realpics.net/Ashnooob

http://www.myspace.com/ashnoob (set to private, but you get a nice look of her tool of a boyfriend)

Now, this particular subject today hits a little close to home. I actually know this person and dislike them for their actions, rather than being an idiot on community websites.

Regardless of that, I feel no remorse in setting my sights on this little harlot.

Let me spin a tale for you before I begin. I have a friend, whom we'll call 'Photo'. He went on a trek, which is to say a plane ride, to go see this girl. Across the country. I'm not saying this just because he's a friend, but I'd say that that takes a bit of dedication. A bit of conviction.

Now, he went there for two weeks. They had a wonderful time, I'm told, and Ashley rather grew on me over time. I thought her to be a fairly intelligent girl (which she IS, to be fair, but intelligence =/= decent human being, as I am reminded far too often), fun to talk to, I could see what Photo saw in this girl. They all seem good at first, though, don't they, fellas?

At any rate, those two weeks, as I'm told, were wonderful, they hit it off (or seemed to), but then tragedy struck. Or at least this is the story. I don't have any evidence to the contrary, but it all seems just a little...out there.

Her cousin was in a car accident and she flew out to make sure all was good. Now here's where I'm a little confused: her cousin, not exactly a close relation by blood standards, and ACROSS THE COUNTRY, was in a car accident and she can magically pop over there to California. And yet Photo was expected to pull his resources to go to HER, when she could have just as easily gone there.

I'm not pretending to know the whole story, here, but it just seems a little strange to me.

Now, she comes back from California and tells Photo that she has, and my memory may be a bit hazy here, 'her cousin getting into a car accident made her realize that life is short and she isn't sure if she wants to be in a relationship right now'. I'm sure we've all heard something similar to this line. It's basically 'I can't handle the responsibility and dedication it takes to be in a relationship, let alone an LDR, so I'm going to cook up some bullshit so that I can be a whore.'

Sounds like I'm being cynical, doesn't it? Well, I thought so at first, too. I was giving her a bit of a chance. Being fair, as I tend to be from time to time.

Ahh, but you see...as often is the case, I should have listened to that battered and beaten little man that lives in my brain cutting himself and never turning on the light, hair stylishly flipped over one eye.  Why, you might ask. Well, let me tell you:

Within a month, she was in a 'relationship' (and I use this term loosely and with apostrophes) with some random Cuban, Mexican, Cubexican, whatever fellow. The gangster type. Fake metal teeth, tongue ring, moronic trucker hat. You can actually see him in the MySpace link at the beginning of this article, if you're that curious.

Ah, how tragic for Photo, you might be saying. Or perhaps 'that's life'. Either way, my empathetic and asshole (respectively) friends, karma stretched out its metaphorical hand and pimp slapped a ho.

Another month or so passed and it was discovered that, much to my own delight after hearing the news about her new 'boyfriend', that Ashley was...wait for it...

Pregnant.

It was then that I discovered that she wasn't the first to fall prey to the spicy semen of Generic Cubexican Gangster #5672, which only served to widen my smile. Eighteen, unemployed and pregnant, Ashley? Good job. Hopefully now that you and GCG5672 have made ammends are attempting that oh so common relationship where the couple are forced into it by a growing fetus, you will learn the error of your ways.

Willing to sell doubts, only $5 a ticket.

Karma dealt her a second backhand, as she moved from a condo in an Orlando development area to a place where her babydaddy's family deals crack. Real good place to raise your Cubexican-Dumb White Cunt offspring.

Before I let you go back to your regularly scheduled internetting, I'd like to share some contradiction of social profile and actions that are also oh so very common in these sorts of situations. From her RealPics profile, under her 'dislikes':

Eh, most rap.

People who lie and are fake.

Bullshitting around, get to the point.

Being stuck in traffic.

So you got with a 'gangbanger' and hate rap. You hate bullshitting around and 'fakes', want everyone to get to the point, and yet you blatantly lied just so you could ride a cock because you couldn't wait a few months for Photo to move.

As for that last one, I think I'd rather you played in it than got stuck in it. Because while you unhappiness would make me smile, I think watching you get torn in half by a Dodge Ram flying down the freeway at 80mph would be much more satisfying.