Let me start by saying that I do realize that several, if not MOST English majors became English majors because they have a talent and passion for writing itself. I am aware, do not flood my e-mail telling me that you are some 'exception' to the rant that is to follow, because I'll just laugh at you for not paying attention.

Now, to my point. 

I'm sure you might know one, whether or not you realize it or not, if you know any English Major at all. They think that have mounted, fucked and CONQUERED the English language. They think that to make any sort of grammatical mistake makes you less of a human being, makes you less worthy to speak to them.

Let me interject here for a moment and just say that at least a grasp of the language is necessary to make intelligent conversation, be it text or verbal. A sense of spelling, the proper use of periods and capitalization at the very least. Commas are optional, but they definitely help. No, you don't have to know the precise use of a semi-colon to have a conversation of some merit.

At any rate, the English majors in question seem to share the belief amongst themselves that because they spent, what? Two, four years in college? Studying the English language that suddenly they can put a pen to paper, finger to key, quill to parchment or what have you and change the very face of literature as we know it.

Now, please allow me to point out the flaws in this logic, my dear English majors. In fact, to seperate you from your kin who actually have the aforementioned talent and passion for writing, I will call you English insignificants.

The flaws in this logic are as follows:

• Yes, you can speak and write the language in a more 'proper' manner, perhaps with a larger vocabulary. But, do you have any sort of imagination? Do you even have a story in your head? If not, then I fail to see how you plan to wow the masses with your vast knowledge of the English language other than being the guy in the following bullet.
• Given your newfound knowledge of the language and bitterness at your own inability to actually write one, you will look at every other novel with a shriveled nose and curled lip. You will pick every sentence apart, perhaps not all of them verbally, but several of them. Your friends will look at you as if you were an asshole. And do you know why? Because you are one.
• You would have just wasted two to four years and thousands of dollars on an education that, when endowed upon you, is nothing but a waste.

So, in closing, my dear English insignificants, just because you have an education under your belt, it does not make you the deity of all writing, the very muse of all generations to come after you. No, my friend, your lack of heart and (yes, a third mention of this, because it is important) passion for the art is your downfall. Without these things, your education means nothing.

You know who you are, and the people around you know who you are. Go back to school and study to be a lawyer or a politician, because everyone already hates you.